Parenting Your Teen Who Feels Shame

Does your teen struggle with shame-based thinking? Your teen may use negative language, expressing feelings of worthlessness, feeling unwanted, useless, or damaged. As a parent, you may feel helpless about how you can help him work through these feelings and find a better mental space to see his true value and worth. The good news is that there are good options that you can explore to help your teen work through feelings of shame and likely guilt. One of the first steps you can take is to sit down with your teen, identify and work through each of these feelings taking such a toll on him. Parenting teens is not easy. However, with the right approach, you’ll be able to navigate these turbulent years armed with the mental health tools and coping strategies you need.

What do shame and guilt look like in your teen?

It can be easy to think that your teen has nothing to feel shame about–nothing to feel guilty about. In truth, he may not. But that does not mean his feelings are invalid. He may have experienced something at school or an event that you’re not aware of. One singular event could have led him to begin to feel shame, guilt, and a strong awareness of what he believes to be faults and defects about himself. What this looks like in your teen may not look the same in another teen. Your teen may struggle to get a good night of rest. He may start to show signs of increased anxiety and depression. He may struggle with nightmares. He may also use alarming phrases like, “I’m a mistake.” “I want to hurt myself.” “I’m not good enough.” When you start to hear phrases like this, you must intervene. This is not typically just a phase that he will grow out of. These statements can carry some serious concerns that should be addressed as soon as possible.

The connection between shame and guilt

While they are two entirely different emotions, there is a strong connection between teen shame and guilt.

• Shame is the strong and often overwhelming feeling that specific things about you, or your whole self, are wrong. We often feel shame related to the fear of negative feedback from outside influences. Shame may or may not be connected to any particular triggering event or behavior.
• Guilt is the overwhelming feeling you get when you did or feel you did something wrong. We often feel guilty in private, a feeling that is elicited by our negative thoughts and self-appraisal.

While they are very different emotions, each has the potential to take a severe toll on the mental wellness of a teen who may already be struggling. Both shame and guilt can feed into one another, creating an unhealthy cycle.

Helping your teen cope with shame, guilt, and unhealthy cycles

Several therapy options can help a struggling teen to get through negative feelings, overwhelming guilt, and mental health concerns. You can also take steps with your teen, working together as a team, to help him better cope with the things he has been struggling with. Meditation can prove beneficial for anyone struggling to focus and cope with mental health struggles. There are so many different types of meditation it could take some time to find one that your teen seems to click well with. Mindfulness is a type of meditation that has seen great success in those working through mental health concerns. Getting out of the house, going for a walk or day trip to a favorite theme park, or perhaps going camping can be very therapeutic for a teen who has been spending his time in a negative cycle of shame and guilt. Therapy and getting your teen a fresh start in a new environment can also be helpful. At Liahona Academy, we focus on treating your teen as a complete person. We do not simply treat mental health concerns. Working with his own team of trained and experienced mental health professionals, your teen will undergo a thorough evaluation to determine the types of treatment programs that he can benefit from. In the right supportive environment, the correct type of treatment can hugely positively impact the life of a struggling and troubled teen.